when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
pray to the hookup gods
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
