I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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