1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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