I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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