I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
