Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
