i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
