A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
