My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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