Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
