Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
