you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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