Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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