found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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