is your mom at the bar?
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
