best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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