My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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