You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize