I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
