if i can run in heels then i can drive
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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