I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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