I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
