So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
