I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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