At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
