I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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