u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
