I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
