When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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