I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
