My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
