the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
