Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
