I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
