Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
