you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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