i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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