a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
