If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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