I wish you could order shots online.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Be still, my beating vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
