i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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