What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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