During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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