Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
