do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
