can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
