Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
please come you make the beer taste better
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
