I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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