Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
