I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
