It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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