the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
