You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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