Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
