So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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