mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize