he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
