it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize