I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
