Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
