You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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