People in love make me want to vomit
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
