guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
