i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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