i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
