Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
